You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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