Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
