She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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