She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
