She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
