I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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