my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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