I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He felt like a one man threesome
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
