Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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