I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
