we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
