A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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