So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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