I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
my liver is dry heaving
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
