he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
