you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
