I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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