dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
