my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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