So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
