He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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