Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Someone came in the potted fern
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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