Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
