If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
