Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
