dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
