i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
