we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
