Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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