You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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