dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
