FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
