When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
