ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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