Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
