She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
