Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
