so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
