I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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