she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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