**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize