well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
