I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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