U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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