My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
