see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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