My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We had to coat check the pizza.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
