the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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