waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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