I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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