look no pants
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
