I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i think my cat just said my name.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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