You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
