The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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