I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
