the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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