The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
