Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
