his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
