Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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