I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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